February 14 – How to Stop Pretending and Start Living Authentically

“If one is a greyhound, why try to look like a Pekingese?” Dame Edith Sitwell

“When you try to be safe, you live your life being very, very careful, and you may wind up having no life at all.” Byron Katie

“Many women today feel a sadness we cannot name. Though we accomplish much of what we set out to do, we sense that something is missing in our lives and-fruitlessly-search ‘out there’ for the answers. What’s often wrong is that we are disconnected from an authentic sense of self.” Emily Hancock

We all have the potential to live big, beautiful lives, but we often let our inner voices hold us back. These inner voices can be made up of our fears, doubts, insecurities, and limiting beliefs. They can tell us that we're not good enough, that we're not worthy of love, or that we can't achieve our dreams. We often get caught up in our own stories and believe them to be the truth. These stories can consume our attention and make it difficult to see the world clearly. The belief that we are always falling short is inherent in this illusion. We believe that the world is the way we see it, but this is not necessarily true. Our perception of the world is shaped by our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. When we are caught up in our stories, we can become blind to the reality of the world around us. We may miss out on the beauty and wonder of life, or we may become obsessed with our own goals and desires.

In her book, Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach explains, “Perhaps the biggest tragedy in our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns. Entangled in the trance of unworthiness, we grow accustomed to caging ourselves in with self-judgment and anxiety, with restlessness and dissatisfaction.” The way out of this cage begins with accepting everything about ourselves and our lives. We need to embrace our moment-to-moment experience by being wakeful in the present, instead of worrying about the past or the future.

Brach states that by using compassion to relate to ourselves and what we perceive in a tender and sympathetic way, we can honor our present experience. “Compassion makes our acceptance whole-hearted and complete.” When we can look at our fears and wounds with compassion, instead of judgment, our lives widen, and we are free to love ourselves instead of suffering. Instead of worrying that something is wrong with us, we can see ourselves truly and express our complete selves authentically.

We should accept our human existence and life as it is. Imperfection is not just your personal problem-it is a natural part of being human. When we relax about imperfection, we no longer lose moments of our life trying to change ourselves or living in fear.

When we have feelings of inadequacy, we may use any of the following behaviors to cope:

-we set off on one self-improvement project after another

-we hold back and play it safe rather than risking failure

-we withdraw from experiencing the present moment

-we keep busy

-we become our own worst critics

-we focus on other people’s faults

One of the coping mechanisms I used is keeping busy. It provides an illusion of control. I would make a to-do list for every day and ferociously cross off items. I would add the things left undone to tomorrow’s list, creating the idea that I had any control over what would happen tomorrow. If I veered off of my to-do list, it felt scary. Not only would I be less productive, but it meant that I would have to allow myself to feel, to recognize when my mind and body needed rest, and to trust myself that I would be able to get back on schedule later.

I look back on my life and I see how much of it I spent pretending. Pretending to be happy, pretending to not care what people said or did, pretending to like my body.

For a long time, I really believed that pretending was the only way to live. I told myself that I had a home, so I couldn't feel not safe. I was in a "normal" body, so I couldn't hate it. I had a good job and earned enough money, so I couldn't complain about the environment I worked in, the people I worked with, or the schedule I worked.

But eventually, the pretending started to take its toll. I felt exhausted and drained. I was always putting on a front, and I was starting to lose sight of who I really was.

Over time, I finally had enough. I couldn't pretend anymore. I was tired of being unhappy and unfulfilled. I wanted to live my life authentically, even if it meant being vulnerable and taking risks.

It was terrifying at first. I had to learn how to accept my true feelings, both the good and the bad. I had to learn how to set boundaries and say no to things that weren't good for me. Slowly but surely, I started to feel more like myself.

I'm still learning to be more honest with myself and with others. I'm still learning to embrace my flaws and to celebrate my strengths. And I'm still learning that it's okay to not be okay sometimes.

Pretending is a coping mechanism that we all use from time to time. But it's important to remember that it's not sustainable in the long run. If we want to live happy and fulfilling lives, we need to be willing to face our true feelings and to live authentically.

In her book, Toxic Positivity, Whitney Goodman says, “Feeling depressed or anxious is hard. Pretending that you are not is much harder. Toxic positivity traps us in a life of pretending until we can’t do it anymore. It tells us that if someone has it worse, we can’t be sad. It tells you that you should be happy and that you should be over this by now. It leaves you hiding behind a mask of fake joy, isolated and alone. Toxic positivity increases feelings of shame, inadequacy, and isolation.”

No one is joyously happy all the time. If you are being authentic, there are going to be moments when you are sad, angry, or upset.

Most of us walk through the world appearing as if we are happy. When people ask us how we are, we say “Great!” even if we are not. We get stuck in a trap of trying to look happy and fulfilled on social media. We pretend because it’s what we think we must do, and we’re scared of what will happen if we stop pretending. Being ourselves means being courageous and honest with ourselves and the world.

The key to living a big life is to challenge these inner voices and to start believing in ourselves. It's also important to take risks and to step outside of our comfort zones. When we do these things, we open ourselves up to the possibility of a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

Activity: Be Creative

Creativity can be a great way to express yourself and to connect with your inner self. Try doing some creative activity, such as painting, writing, or playing music.

In today's increasingly digital world, it's easy to lose sight of what makes us human. The constant bombardment of screens and social media can distract us from cultivating essential qualities like kindness, empathy, and resilience.

Nurturing Hopeful Resilience guides parents and caregivers through the challenges of raising children in a technology-driven age. It explores the importance of instilling strong values in children from a young age to help them develop into compassionate, responsible, and fulfilled individuals.

Through a series of practical exercises and insightful reflections, this book delves into fourteen core values: curiosity, awareness, kindness, learning, self-awareness, fairness, playfulness, compassion, service, belonging, trustworthiness, authenticity, community, and responsibility. Understanding and nurturing these values can empower our children to thrive in a complex and ever-changing world.

This book offers a roadmap for raising children who are academically successful, emotionally intelligent, socially adept, and morally grounded. It encourages readers to prioritize human connection, empathy, and compassion over material possessions and fleeting digital distractions. By embracing the power of values, we can create a brighter future for ourselves and generations to come.