April 12 – Fairness in Our Relationships

“Do not weep; do not wax indignant. Understand.” Baruch Spinoza

Relationships thrive on fairness. It's the tightrope we walk together, ensuring balance and mutual respect. It means open communication, honest compromise, and a willingness to see things from the other person's perspective. Imagine a couple – Sarah loves a clean house, but David prioritizes spending evenings together. Fairness isn't about Sarah always doing the cleaning, it's about finding a solution that works for both, perhaps splitting chores or hiring help.

As B. Janet Hibbs observes in Try to See It My Way, fairness issues are often at the root of relationship problems. Here are some common pitfalls:

The Mind-Reading Myth - We expect partners to know our needs without us telling them. This can lead to frustration and a feeling of being taken for granted.

Love Isn't Magic - Love is essential, but it doesn't magically solve fairness problems. Unfairness breeds resentment, chipping away at love over time.

The Fairness Fairy Tale - We mistakenly believe fairness is a universal concept, that everyone agrees on what's fair. What's fair to you may not be fair to someone else.

Selfishness vs. Self-Care - Considering your own needs isn't selfish, it's healthy. Relationships require give-and-take, but neglecting your own well-being isn't sustainable.

The Blame Game - Focusing on past wrongs or who's "fairer" creates a stalemate. True growth comes from focusing on what you can change in the present.

Insights Without Action - Understanding unfair patterns in your relationship is a good first step, but true change requires putting that understanding into practice.

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi

Building fairness requires effort from both sides. Here are some strategies:

Open Communication - Talk openly and honestly about your needs and expectations. Listen actively to another’s perspective.

Compromise is Key - Fairness isn't always 50/50. Be willing to bend sometimes to reach a solution that works for both.

Reframing Fairness - Instead of focusing on what's "fair" to you, consider what's fair for the relationship as a whole.

Acknowledge Efforts - Recognize and appreciate the other person’s contributions, big and small.

Focus on Solutions - Don't dwell on the problem. Work together to find solutions that address both your needs.

Hibbs suggests four key elements that contribute to a sense of fairness in relationships:

Reciprocity - A balanced exchange of care and consideration. It's not about keeping a strict score, but about a general sense of give-and-take.

Acknowledgement - Giving credit where credit is due. Verbally express your appreciation for another person's efforts and validate their perspective.

Making Claims - Clearly communicate your needs and expectations. Don't expect another person to guess what you're thinking.

Trust - The foundation of a healthy relationship. Trust builds when needs are considered (even if not always met) and weakens when people feel they are not getting what they deserve.

By fostering these four pillars, we can create a more balanced and fulfilling experience in all our relationships, from romantic partnerships to friendships, family dynamics, and even interactions with neighbors and colleagues. Remember, fairness isn't about winning or losing, it's about creating a space where everyone feels valued and respected.

Journal Prompt:

Imagine you are a judge. How would you decide a specific case to ensure fairness for all parties involved?

In today's increasingly digital world, it's easy to lose sight of what makes us human. The constant bombardment of screens and social media can distract us from cultivating essential qualities like kindness, empathy, and resilience.

My book, Nurturing Hopeful Resilience,  guides parents and caregivers through the challenges of raising children in a technology-driven age. It explores the importance of instilling strong values in children from a young age to help them develop into compassionate, responsible, and fulfilled individuals.

Through a series of practical exercises and insightful reflections, this book delves into fourteen core values: curiosity, awareness, kindness, learning, self-awareness, fairness, playfulness, compassion, service, belonging, trustworthiness, authenticity, community, and responsibility. Understanding and nurturing these values can empower our children to thrive in a complex and ever-changing world.

This book offers a roadmap for raising children who are academically successful, emotionally intelligent, socially adept, and morally grounded. It encourages readers to prioritize human connection, empathy, and compassion over material possessions and fleeting digital distractions. By embracing the power of values, we can create a brighter future for ourselves and generations to come.